What to expect when experiencing a loss.

We don’t always know when loss will be experienced, but understanding the possible impacts of the loss may help us work through tough times. Psychiatrist Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s 1969 theory of grief and loss identifies several stages an individual may go through when experiencing loss. It is important to note that loss doesn’t always involve death. Loss could be defined as a divorce, friendship break up, or job loss/retirement. These examples describe a type of relationship.  A connection we have had physically or psychologically to something that is important to us. When loss occurs, we analyze how the loss is going to impact our self-identity.  Specifically, how that loss will change the person we are in relation to others and ourselves. Part of our self-identity may have been attached to the relationship. That bungee cord is now broken and it changes our perception of ourselves.  

I don’t know about you, but it seems many individuals have recently experienced losses in their lives. It doesn’t matter if it is a death, divorce or something else, it just seems that many are suffering losses. According to Benjamin Franklin in 1789, death and taxes are certain for all of us. Just because you personally know the event may happen one day, doesn’t make it any less impactful when it does happen. This article will discuss the stages of loss/grief as defined by Dr. Kübler-Ross in an effort to help others understand the psychological stages. May the information provide a problem-solving tool for you or others who are experiencing loss in life.

The first stage is called Denial. Often, we just can’t believe what is happening. It may be a cancer diagnosis or loss of a parent, but we can’t believe what we are hearing/experiencing. Denial is a way for our mind to ease into what is actually happening. Our minds use denial as a defense mechanism to keep us from becoming overwhelmed. The questions we ask ourselves are a way to slowly make sense of our new situation. Denial gives vividness to small parts of the situation and starts the grieving process. As you move through the Denial stage, the feelings involved with the new situation start to become manageable and fade. Everything you were denying and burying start to surface.

The next stage is the Anger. This stage is said to be necessary in order to heal. Many may ask, “Why is this happening to me?” “How could my spouse leave me with all of this stress?” Pain, loss of love, and frustration may be at the root of anger. It challenges our identity. Many may feel they are lost without someone. Identity tied up in a relationship that is now defunct. Facing unwanted change can bolster anger. Transference of anger is likely to occur. Although you may not be angry at the doctor, family member, friend, or pastor, you may ‘transfer’ your anger to them.

The third stage is termed Bargaining. Before a loss happens, bargaining may take place. An individual may ask, “God please spare me.” “Give me more time with my kids.” “Please, don’t take my wife from me!” Some may even offer promises. “I promise to never be mean to my family again. Just give me more time.” We are taught at a young age to believe in a just world. Bad things only happen to bad people. An individual may reflect and feel guilt for past behaviors. They may believe that the cancer, death, or divorce is due to some bad behavior earlier in life. The truth is that everyone behaves good and bad. It may be hard to accept, but there may not be a reason why the event is happening. That doesn’t mean that as humans we stop trying to make sense of why the event is happening. It is natural to find causation tied to an event. The process is how we learn. The Bargaining stage may also give a feeling of control over the present situation. If we do something we can control the outcome.

Healing is taking place when entering into the Depression stage. In this stage, what an individual feels moves into the present. Emptiness and grief become deep. Someone is trying to understand the event according to how it will affect them in the present day. Even though it is negative, feeling negative is better than feeling nothing at all (or denying it). Depression challenges one to figure out how they are supposed to go on without them. It works an individual through grieving and healing. “How will I make it alone?” Different scenarios may go through the mind to deal with the life changes and are used for problem solving.

The last stage is Acceptance. Just because an individual may accept the situation doesn’t mean they are OK with the situation. Acceptance is when one learns to live a new reality and accepts a new norm for their self-identity and life. Reassigning roles and creating new friendships by accepting change. I personally have experienced people stuck between the depression and acceptance stages. They don’t want to move on. Moving on may foster fear. Some may feel if they move on, their loved one may be forgotten. There may be some individuals willing to continue to feel bad just because they don’t want the relationship to fade. They keep their loved one in the present and ruminate on what was or could have been.

All of us experience loss and grief in life. Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s theory is the most accepted and well-known theory of loss/grief. The stages are not linear in nature. An individual can experience all or one of the stages and possibly in a different order as presented. Someone may actually move onto another stage and then revert back to a stage they have previously experienced. The theory is to help understand what you or a friend may be experiencing when dealing with a loss. May the information help you in a time of need.