The one thing that is hard to do, offering forgiveness.

All of us do wrong. We behave badly at times. If we interact with others, transgressions will occur. It can be hard to forgive others when things go wrong. Anger, sadness, and retaliation can consume us and block forgiveness. This article will define forgiveness, characteristics of forgiveness, and explore self-forgiveness as a construct of the forgiveness process.

            Forgiveness is all about ourselves. We decide to forgive or not forgive based on our own cognitive interactions. No one can do it for us. It is 100% something we do all by ourselves. Interesting enough, the reason we are even faced with forgiveness is due to interpersonal relations and transgressions, but the act itself is intrapersonal.

            A multidimensional construct, forgiveness can be defined as: “The replacement of negative thoughts, feelings, and motivations directed at an offender with positive ones.” “A conscious decision to let go of negative emotions and desire for revenge.” The construct is not to be mistaken for condoning, denying, excusing, justifying an offense, or reconciliation. Some state that the concept also encompasses giving up the desire to punish and be angry with the transgressor. Most individuals respond to transgressions negatively. When a victim is able to counteract such negativity, forgiveness is experienced. It is “relinquishing the right to retaliate subsequent to injury.”

            The act of forgiveness can be months or even years. The victim may need to relinquish or diffuse revenge, anger, record of wrongs, and resentment. Time can erase the effect of the emotional injury to allow forgiveness. The original emotional injury is a reminder to not get hurt again. Fear of becoming vulnerable again can add to forgiveness avoidance. Often, many couples, friends, and families seek professional therapy to help bolster new perspectives to heal and look for encouragement to allow vulnerability again. Forgiveness is not dependent on repentant acts of the abuser but behavioral change on the part of the victim.

            Often before forgiveness is granted, victims may act in negative ways. Behaviors such as contact avoidance, anger, and revenge seeking may be evident. Possibly these behaviors are a coping mechanism to protect psychological and physical aspects of self. Forgiveness is not likely to occur in a single moment, but unfolds over time, is based on individual factors, and the value assigned to the offense. The process does not include forgetting or excusing the offense and a victim may never receive a confirmation of wrongdoing from their transgressor. Some offenses involve justice which is an external evaluation of the offense. Forgiveness is never guaranteed. It is granted to someone as an act of compassionate prosocial behavior.

            Forgiveness is prosocial for both the transgressor and victim. It is advantageous for a transgressor to be forgiven so they do not experience negative behavior such as anger, resentment, and hostility. It is also good for the victim in multiple ways. First, forgiveness can free you. Many ruminate on the offense and constantly ‘beat themselves up’ trying to figure out why it happened to them. Further they spend time thinking negative thoughts about their transgressor. The negative thoughts are supposed to direct negativity at the transgressor, but often cages the victim in a cyclical negative state of mind. Forgiveness breaks this cycle. Second, the emotional and psychological control of the victim has shifted. The transgressor no longer has control over the victim. Mental clarity leads to improved physical health. Often, the lack of stress leads to a stronger immune system, lowered blood pressure, and lower cortisol levels.

            It is also important to address self-forgiveness. Even Jesus asked his own father, “Why have you forsaken me?” Jesus knew the answer before he asked and still asked why. Victims often ask why. They may feel guilty and don’t understand what they did to deserve this. It’s very normal to think something bad happened to them because of something they personally did. The Just World Theory perspective, bad things happen to bad people, is taught to us at a young age. The truth is bad things happen to everyone. Often you have no control over others thoughts, unhappiness, insecurities, and mental issues.

            All of us behave badly. Self-forgiveness is an act of grace. Admitting fault is the first step to self-forgiveness. All of us are human and fall short. Reflecting and engaging in self-awareness, transparency, working to learn from the mistake, and showing a change of heart to become better are all stages involved in self-forgiveness. The ability to recall the offense as a reference and learning process without the negative effect reflects self-forgiveness.

            Forgiveness has roots in Judaeo-Christian teachings. In the Bible we read that Esau forgave Jacob, but did Adam ever forgive Eve? Imagine how fun that household was to live in if Adam hadn’t forgiven Eve in the 900+ years they lived? YIKES! Then you wonder if Cain and Abel’s behavior was a product of past unforgiveness? All kidding aside, forgiveness is an extremely important construct. It’s so important that Jesus’s whole life and death was centered around it.